I had a really bad morning. Actually, it started last week.... Our account one one of the ones affected by the Home Depot hack, so we were already having to deal with that. This morning I discovered that our bank account was hacked Friday. It is not that we are careless. My husband has an app monitoring all of our financial accounts that is supposed to alert him to every large transaction and anything irregular. We use extremely long, complicated passwords like we are supposed to. We do everything right to keep ourselves protected. Still, we wind up victimized. I hate feeling like a victim.
After a long detailed phone call with the bank, we have begun the process to get the problem fixed. I should say a prayer of thanksgiving that I caught it so fast, and that the bank says that everything will get straightened out and our account will be fine. I should thank God that I had the presence of mind to stay calm and do what needed to be done. Or at the very least I could have prayed a prayer of lament asking why do things like this happen.
But I didn't want to. The odd thing was that I was aware that I didn't want to talk to God right now. I am not sure if I was mad because God let this happen to us, or embarrassed that we had been victimized, or if I was just wanting to feel sorry for myself for a while.
I actually picked up my prayer journal at the time I would normally pray and said, "no" and put it back down. I just didn't want to talk to God, like a rebellious child who doesn't want their parent butting in.
So what do you do when you just don't feel like praying? What do you do when you are feeling angry with God and the world, or guilty over something you have done or left undone, or are just feeling distant? Prayer isn't a punishment. Prayer is a lifeline to grace, love, acceptance, strength, and forgiveness.
It is when you are feeling the most disconnected (or dare I say ornery) that it is the most important to keep the line to God open. God is always there and listening, even when you wish God wasn't. God knows what happened. God knows how you are feeling. You can't hide anything from God by not praying. All you are doing is isolating yourself (or myself as the case may be.)
So, I forced myself to pick up the journal and picked out an obnoxiously cheery colored pen. It started out slow at first, and a but grumpy. "You already know all this. I don't know why I have to tell you..." But as I wrote my prayer all of the pain and frustration began to pour out. I railed about how unfair life is. I cried about why stupid things like this happen to good people. I complained about how I hated to feel like a victim.
I started to feel better. I was finally able to see the light in the situation. I did catch it early. The bank assures me that they will straighten it out. We will get our money back. I was able to thank God for standing beside me even when I didn't really notice or even want God there.
Experts all say that it is really bad for you to bottle up and hold onto bad emotions like anger, guilt, and hate. They eat you up inside. Have you ever felt like you didn't want to talk to God... that you would rather God left you alone? Maybe you have something bottled up inside that needs to come out.
You can be mad and yell at God. God is big enough to take it. You can admit your failures and mistakes to God. God already knows about them and understands. You can scream and complain about injustice and the unfairness of our world. Believe me, God empathizes. There is nothing you can't say to God. Look at the Psalms there is some major grumbling going on, or better yet the book of Job. Job lost everything and told God all about it, and God heard and responded.
Believe it or not, once you have finally prayed about it you may feel better. It is like sharing your burden with a trusted friend. You may even find grace, and hope, and peace for your situation. So, pray continually, especially when you DON'T want to.
Grace and Peace!
